Home. Lord save me.
I love my family more than anyone out there. For the most part. (Contradictions are my favorite) It's not that I don't enjoy being home, I really do, even though I am used to going about five hundred times faster at school than I do at home, I am enjoying being here. I haven't gotten to sleep like this in a very LONG time. Looking back, I haven't spent this much time home since May. That's a pretty big deal.
But my family is so stressed out all the time it just makes the whole "glad to be home" feeling leave the system pretty quick.
It also doesn't help that there is someone waiting for me in GA.
I'm the black sheep in the Jernigan clan. And as strange as it is I'm really happy about that.
I'm just also really happy that i'm going back home, to GA, in less than two weeks.

It's the end of the semester. I know this not because I recognize the time of year it is but because my brain can't quite comprehend...anything. Every little piece of information that actually penetrates my thick skull just gets lost in the mess that was once a nicely organized collection of the things that make up...well, me.
This weekend I have to memorize my semester's vocal rep. for juries, another song in MT Lab, memorize three scenes for our acting 4 class, find an audition package for Millie (Lord save us all), barrel through four runs of the dance concert, and somewhere, in all my free time manage my personal life.
My personal life? I don't want to talk about it. It stresses me out more than anything. I'm beginning to think the life of a hermit is more cut out for me than I thought it was. And that's not to say that anything of the sort would EVER happen because I love the people around me way to much. I don't know why. But that's probably why it's called love.
But whatever. I'm clearly not using my time wisely. I've spent the past five minutes blogging and looking at pictures of friends on facebook rather than actually get anything done. But I really don't care. (lies)
Ok. For everyone I love, "I love you". Truly, deeply above all of all else, honestly.
Much love.

"What people think about me is none of my business."
---Steven "Thunderthumb" Delopoulos

I don't know who this Steven is. But he makes a whole lot of sense. I decided today, while running on the treadmill, that I really don't give a rip anymore. Not in a bitchy sort of way. Just, in a way that will probably do me a lot of good.
I'm done being sad and tragic just because someone else tells me I am. Even though, the fact that someone did tell me I am sad and tragic went in the notebook.

much love

so life. Ha. I don't even know why i started this whole entry with something like that...as if I understand what I'm talking about.
But life. I don't understand anything about it right now. I don't understand anything for that matter, much less life. I think I could answer questions all day about why I think the world is the way it is or why people do the things they do. And I'd probably give you an answer that you would find some pretty good reason in. Maybe not. But I could at least fool for a little while. However, back to what I said...I don't know anything.
Nothing.

I have a list of really special and encouraging things about my life here at Shorter college in my notebook...It's lame I know. But everyday the list grows. And everyday I look at that list and try to put away the other crap that I easily get so focused on. I try to add something to the list daily but, today, is not such an easy day to write about. I don't have much "happy" things to say and therefor, by the worlds standards, I am "sad". I'd say, "weary". It does not matter.
I have had a piece of crap sort of week. And a much bigger piece of crap sort of twenty-four hours. I'm so tired I want to curl into a ball and give up on trying to be...anything.

But. I WILL find something to put on the list today.

We do all we can do and that's all there is to it. Each day is something new and it's no different for me or for you. "What you focus on expands".

(contradiction #1)

Much Love.

p.s. Red. YOU were right.

I'm officially retarded by my own standards.
How much more retarded does that make me by the rest of the worlds?
I have a blog. A poorly named, destined to get me into more trouble than I need, COMPLETELY narcissistic, blog. Woof.

So why did I begin one? Well. However I may feel about this blogging thing (and I really DON'T know how I feel about it) I have come to respect, very much, a dear friend of mine who keeps up a blog of his own. I won't say that said friends blog is anything entirely inspirational and has, since reading it, given me the desire to follow in his footsteps. But, to say that I wasn't inspired at all would be a lie. He wrote, (sorry friend) "In everyday occurences, there is truth to be found. And in every moment we say nothing, a part of the world we could have made a better place dies."

I think my reasons for beginning my own blog should be easily understood.
But beware. Reading anything I write could and probably will at sometime make you crazy. I promise to stand by my beliefs with all of my heart, soul and strength. And in doing so, I promise to contradict myself daily.

BUT! Without any further unnecessary exposition. Here you have it. My blod er blod, damn it, blog.