Mistakes.

I've made a lot of them. Over these 21 years I feel like I've made enough to make any eighty year old man cringe. From turning left on red to leaving home when I was sixteen years old, the mistakes that make up the man I am today are only part of what everyone goes through everyday. I'm nothing special because my feelings are "so strong" or because I think "my heart is breaking". I'm no different than the man sitting next to me on the bus. My hurt doesn't matter any more than yours or his or hers. There's nothing to be said for me. You can't vouch for my innocence. There really isn't any.
However. Giving up is out of the question. No more can be said for me than this. I'm a terrible human being. I've broken people like a child breaks his or her favorite toy. I've stolen the happiness from people's hearts and spit in their faces. I've taken advantage of the people over and again. I've lied, cheated, hated, cursed, destroyed...and everything else everyone else has done. I've given up before. I've thought, what's the point? I've given in to my weaknesses and pretended nothing matters. I've thrown the white flag.

And I've never felt more regret in my life.

There's been a lot going on since Christmas. I've hit a high C in full voice correctly, I've made it to the finals with an amazing partner at ACTF, I've gotten a job in Hershey, PA for the summer paying more money than I really should ever have in my posestion. I've become more confident in who I am as a person, whatever that may mean to you, to me it means I really don't have the same worries I had before. And that's nice. I've made some huge accomplishments and some huge mistakes. I've broken someones heart and I've repaired my own. I've picked up reading again, and pokemon games. I started a bible study for myself and hope others may join with me. Everything is more fun with others.
Life is nuts. But that's the usual. I don't think I can really handle life when it's happy go lucky and there's nothing to fight for. There should always be something to fight for. It's one of those things I have to trust God on, because when I get to heaven one day, and there's nothing wrong to right, I don't know what I'm going to do. HAHA. I'm sure it will be great.
John Mark means Broken Warrior. I really like my name. And One day I'll lay down the sword I guess. But until that day, I would just rather keep up the fight than sit at home just content watching the grass grow.

Home. Lord save me.
I love my family more than anyone out there. For the most part. (Contradictions are my favorite) It's not that I don't enjoy being home, I really do, even though I am used to going about five hundred times faster at school than I do at home, I am enjoying being here. I haven't gotten to sleep like this in a very LONG time. Looking back, I haven't spent this much time home since May. That's a pretty big deal.
But my family is so stressed out all the time it just makes the whole "glad to be home" feeling leave the system pretty quick.
It also doesn't help that there is someone waiting for me in GA.
I'm the black sheep in the Jernigan clan. And as strange as it is I'm really happy about that.
I'm just also really happy that i'm going back home, to GA, in less than two weeks.

It's the end of the semester. I know this not because I recognize the time of year it is but because my brain can't quite comprehend...anything. Every little piece of information that actually penetrates my thick skull just gets lost in the mess that was once a nicely organized collection of the things that make up...well, me.
This weekend I have to memorize my semester's vocal rep. for juries, another song in MT Lab, memorize three scenes for our acting 4 class, find an audition package for Millie (Lord save us all), barrel through four runs of the dance concert, and somewhere, in all my free time manage my personal life.
My personal life? I don't want to talk about it. It stresses me out more than anything. I'm beginning to think the life of a hermit is more cut out for me than I thought it was. And that's not to say that anything of the sort would EVER happen because I love the people around me way to much. I don't know why. But that's probably why it's called love.
But whatever. I'm clearly not using my time wisely. I've spent the past five minutes blogging and looking at pictures of friends on facebook rather than actually get anything done. But I really don't care. (lies)
Ok. For everyone I love, "I love you". Truly, deeply above all of all else, honestly.
Much love.

"What people think about me is none of my business."
---Steven "Thunderthumb" Delopoulos

I don't know who this Steven is. But he makes a whole lot of sense. I decided today, while running on the treadmill, that I really don't give a rip anymore. Not in a bitchy sort of way. Just, in a way that will probably do me a lot of good.
I'm done being sad and tragic just because someone else tells me I am. Even though, the fact that someone did tell me I am sad and tragic went in the notebook.

much love

so life. Ha. I don't even know why i started this whole entry with something like that...as if I understand what I'm talking about.
But life. I don't understand anything about it right now. I don't understand anything for that matter, much less life. I think I could answer questions all day about why I think the world is the way it is or why people do the things they do. And I'd probably give you an answer that you would find some pretty good reason in. Maybe not. But I could at least fool for a little while. However, back to what I said...I don't know anything.
Nothing.

I have a list of really special and encouraging things about my life here at Shorter college in my notebook...It's lame I know. But everyday the list grows. And everyday I look at that list and try to put away the other crap that I easily get so focused on. I try to add something to the list daily but, today, is not such an easy day to write about. I don't have much "happy" things to say and therefor, by the worlds standards, I am "sad". I'd say, "weary". It does not matter.
I have had a piece of crap sort of week. And a much bigger piece of crap sort of twenty-four hours. I'm so tired I want to curl into a ball and give up on trying to be...anything.

But. I WILL find something to put on the list today.

We do all we can do and that's all there is to it. Each day is something new and it's no different for me or for you. "What you focus on expands".

(contradiction #1)

Much Love.

p.s. Red. YOU were right.